Goal 5: Revenge of the Goalkeeper[]
Goal 5: Revenge of the Goalkeeper is the fifth installment of the Goal! dream. It if written by Robert Rigby and a few other co-writers, however these are not officially credited. Like Goal!: Glory Days, this fifth book was not made into a film by 'milkshake' films, and only a novelization. However when Rigby was asked if he wrote the fifth book he said "Hell no! At least not that I remember", leading many to speculate it was the word of God.
A first edition of the book was written in 2014, around the time of FIFA World Cup 2014, Brazil. At this current moment in time, the origins of the first edition is unknown, even to Robert Rigby. A second edition of the book was released in 2019, however a copy was not discovered until British rapper Conna "Three Chainz" Haines found a bloody and partially destroyed copy at the bottom of the Rhone River and decided to share the information with the public. He posted his discovery on June 9th, refusing to elaborate on whether the condition of the book was linked to the death of Punjabi artist Sidhu Moose.
Plot[]
After an successful return to Newcastle United F.C, Santiago Munez rejoins Real Madrid C.F and wins the treble under the guidance of new manager KBU, a violent and angry man who becames a father figure to Santi. Santi is selected as captain of the Mexico national football team for the 2014 World Cup. He breaks into the President of the Mexican FA's house with his brother Enrique and holds him at gun point until he hires KBU as manager. Santi murders the President's brother and just as Enrique was about to murder the President's wife, the President agrees to hire KBU to the role. KBU picks an unconventional squad including Enrique, David Bentley and Gavin Harris who wore wigs and fake moustaches to convince FIFA they were Davide Betlez and Jorge G. Hernandez. In the first game of the tournament, Mexico play Scotland, whose star player is Hughie Magowan, now a goalkeeper, the same man who broke Santi's inhaler in Goal! The Dream Begins. Magowan violent targets the Mexican team injuring 7 of the starting 11, getting away with his crimes because he also stole the referees inhaler. After scoring a header from a corner to win the game 1-0 for Scotland, Magowan runs directly into the crowd and one punches Roz Harminson and Mercedes Munez, Santiago's grandmother. Both go into life threatening comas. Out of anger, KBU beats 6 of the Mexican squad to death in the dressing room after the match, meaning they only have 10 fit first team players, so they call up Glen Foy (wearing brown face and calling himself Gleno Foyo) as emergency cover.
Sadly, the next 150 pages of the book have been destroyed and only becomes readable again in the middle of the penalty shout out in the World Cup quarter final between Mexico and Brazil. A dinosaur is now the Mexico goalkeeper and scares all the Brazilian players by eating Kaka in one bite. Santi, Harris and Foy score their penalties leading Mexico to the Semi Final to face England. Sadly, Enrique's penalty flies over the bar and accidentally kills the wife of KBU. He becomes so angry, he murders most of the England team including Liam Adams from Goal III: Taking on the World. Adams has his head torn clean off, the Mexican team use this as a ball to practice for the final against Scotland (England forfeit the Semi Final). They also cook his body as a hearty pre-final meal. This does make Adams' reappearance in Goal! 6: At Dreams End very confusing, perhaps he had a twin brother or something.
Strangely, the narrative then turns to a 257 page detour about the romantic life of Santi and Roz, who awakes from her coma. They enjoying experiment with KBU, Gavin, Glen and David Bentley. During these passages it is heavily implied that Roz is actually a robot and/or a figment of Santi's imagination. There is also an intriguing scene (partially illegible due to a series of blood smudges) where Santi and David Bentley discuss their time at FK Rostov. This extract is a speech from David and reads "remember that time we (words unclear) ... with Vladimir Putin and Andre Arshavin? That was illegal and immoral, especially the part when (words unclear). Still it was the best moment of my life, I love you Santi." The next page is completely unreadable, although scholars speculate Santi and David plot to kill all the other characters, with Goal! 6: At Dreams End depicting that plan in action.
Attention then turns to the final - Scotland v Mexico. Mexico's team (only featuring 4 actual Mexicans) is as follow: Dave the Dinosaur in goal, a back four of Gianluigi Buffon, Rafa Marquez, KBU in a player manager role and Glen Foy. In midfield, Enrique starts alongside David Bentley, Hong-Yong-Jo and the ghost of Hernan Munez with Santi and Gavin up front. The game is 0-0 at half time. However, Magowan runs into the dressing room at half-term and does a big fart whilst yelling "THIS IS IT, THE REVENGE OF THE GOALKEEPER!" With the stench of the fart in their lungs, Mexico concede two goals at the start of the second half. Hernan Munez is then sent off for not being alive, which breaks FIFA rules. Then, Dave the Dinosaur recognises Magowan, saying that he is in fact the man who dropped the asteroid on his ancestors. This encourages Mexico to get revenge, Bentley scores from the half way line and Santi scores an overhead kick. With the scores locked at 2-2, Santi notices Barry 'Scumbag' Rankin in the crowd laughing manically, and then remembers the name of the ref Larry 'Scumbag' Rankin!!! The ref awards a penalty to Scotland and sends off Dave for no reason! Santi goes in goal and Magowan takes the penalty. KBU attempts to give some fatherly inspiration but instead collapses on the pitch and dies. Devastated, Santi throws his inhaler just before Magowan is about to take the penalty, he trips over and miss kicks it wide! "NO THAT WAS IT, THE REAL REVENGE OF THE GOALKEEPER!" screams Santi booting the ball up the field. Gavin Harris smashes it into the empty net and Mexico win the FIFA World Cup 2014. Mercedes lifts the trophy after recovering from her coma, much to the confusion of football fans around the world. Sadly, she celebrates too vigorously, accident bashing Roz with the trophy (she dies instantly).
The book ends with the following thirteen word epilogue. "Damn Santi" said Gavin, "this new FIFA mod is crazy, look I'm Mexican!" The debate over whether this means the events of the book only took place on Santi's PlayStation has been listed by experts as the seventy fourth most likely cause of World War 3.